He has worker’s hands from his long days landscaping. This is the height of the season and the work is strenuous. He doesn’t love it. I feel guilty that I get to stay home and make money doing what I want to do or spend my days playing with Odin. I wish Z had more time to stay home and play with us too, or to work on the things he truly loves. Our bees are so productive this year, I think we’ll have quite a bit of honey to sell at the end of the summer (anyone interested in some Nantucket honey?). I’ve been struggling to maintain motivation. It’s harder some days than others, but having Zak’s sister’s help with Odin a few days a week has worked wonders. I feel tired and a little bit trapped sometimes, but I think that this is a common feeling for stay at home mums- I need to get out more. One day, in the next few years, Zak and I will finally have our own little plot of Earth. Zak will be able to stay home and he and Odin can sow, grow, and harvest while I work on my illustration work in the studio (it will have windows on every inch of wall and be the brightest room in the house). We’ll talk to our chickens and cows while we hang our clothes to dry. We’ll adopt a baby pig or two and keep some bunnies, since they seem to be Odin’s favorite. Zak will teach Odin all about the honeybees (like we already are) and we’ll continue to raise him to know their importance. At night we’ll play music around the fire while drinking mulled wine. We’ll dance and play throughout our daily tasks, but life will be slow. I prefer it that way. Every so often, we’ll travel to explore new places- hopefully with many friends.
I’m a dreamer. It keeps me going. It breaks up the monotony of the work day and the ordinary. Zak must feel it more than I do and because of it, his dreams are even bigger. I have to keep visualizing this future to be sure we continue to work towards it. One day we will have the money we need to start this life. I sincerely hope that our life stays secure as it has been this past year and a half. We can’t handle surprises right now, we need to save every extra penny so that we don’t have to count our pennies as much.
For now, we’ll concentrate on beach days and foraging, harvesting and creating. I’ll move financial thoughts to the back burner for as long as I can- but I can always feel those thoughts (they’ll never leave, will they?). I will dream harder every day for our future. I don’t want Zak to have to do something he’s not passionate about, just to keep up with bills and save a tiny bit. It will happen, right?